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Este apocalipsis no es lo que esperaba, parece cine español

Debo admitir que, a estas alturas, si hay algo en este mundo que ya no esperaba vivir era el Apocalipsis. Demasiadas falsas alarmas. Que si el eclipse de Nostradamus, que si los mayas… y el mundo seguía girando como si nada. Pero lo cierto es que en mi mente siempre imaginaba, quizá por influencia de Hollywood, como algo lleno de explosiones y carreras por la supervivencia. Pero no. No estoy huyendo de zombies en las ruinas de un estadio de fútbol americano, estoy en el sofá de mi casa mandando memes y dudando si abrir Netflix o Amazon Video. Este apocalipsis es lento, sin ritmo y sin efectos especiales. Parece cine español.

Jamás pensé que en pleno Final de Todas las Cosas me preocuparía por el exceso de sedentarismo. Yo, que siempre he sido más de sofá y Doritos que de gimnasio y aguacates. Pues el otro día me dediqué a subir y bajar del garaje al cuarto piso como un gilipollas mientras escuchaba un podcast sobre aquella vez que una becaria se la chupó al Presidente de EEUU y se manchó el vestido. Qué tiempos aquellos. Qué coño: echo de menos los días en los que dos líderes de potencias nucleares se llamaban “gordo” uno al otro por Twitter.

Además, como en la escalera hacía frío porque la ventana estaba abierta, pillé un poco de tos y me pasé 10 horas pensando que moría por una puta carraspera.

Tampoco esperaba que mi atuendo postapocalíptico fuese a ser una mierda de pijama de 15€ de Amazon. Igual una armadura de cuero endurecido con los hombros reforzados con la chapa arrancada del capó de un coche era pedir demasiada -dada mi poca traza con las manualidades lo más probable es que me cercenase una mano intentando todo ese montaje-. Pero un pijama y unas zapatillas robadas a mi padre quizá es el otro extremo. Y además los pantalones son horrorosamente horribles, con un estampado como escocés que no tiene perdón de Dios. Y en solo dos meses ya tiene tres agujeros. Mi gran preocupación es que cuando se acabe el Cataclismo 2020 voy a necesitar un pijama nuevo. Y ya puestos, calcetines.

El horroroso estampado de mi pijama post-apocalíptico

Todo parece anticlimático, incluso las situaciones periféricas. Con todo el peñazo del Procés en Cataluña llevábamos un lustro o más esperando la llegada del Ejército a Barcelona. Y finalmente ha ocurrido por el coronavirus, para ayudar a desinfectar el puerto y el aeropuerto. Al final ni tanques por la Diagonal ni los Tercios de Flandes en la Sagrada Familia. La llegada de las Fuerzas Armadas a Cataluña ha sido como la de una señora con un mocho.

Ni tribus de caníbales, ni alienígenas invasores de cuerpos, ni topos mutantes con rayos láser en los ojos. Lo que más miedo da de este apocalipsis de Hacendado es ver salir a un vecino al balcón. ¿Qué cojones va a hacer algo? ¿cantar mal el puto Resistiré de los cojones? ¿montarnos una clase de crosfitt? ¿un bingo vecinal? ¡Déjanos desesperarnos tranquilos, joder!

Y sí. Si me sigues en redes sociales verás que he reciclado muchos chistes. Y es que esa es otra: estamos tuiteando y haciendo stories por encima de nuestras posibilidades. Como cualquier otro día en la oficina.

Joder, qué aburrimiento.

Relacionado: Por qué el mundo se acaba hoy y cómo sobrevivir al Apocalipsis

Si estás hasta los huevos del coronavirus, lo mejor es un poco de cine malo (horrible): Cuando la mierda es gigante no es mierda sino arte

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