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Titanic II: Cuando la secuela es una estafa (y es mejor que la original)

El autor de esto se llama Shane Van Dyke y puede estar orgulloso. No solo es el sobrino de Dick Van Dyke -el de Mary Poppins-, sino que al más puro estilo de Orson Welles, dirige, escribe, y protagoniza, aunque como las exigencias artísticas del film eran tan elevadas, optó por delegar el tema de la producción en algún becario.

Más de uno picará al ver en la tienda el DVD de Titanic II y pensará que se encuentra ante una secuela del Titanic de James Cameron. La realidad es que más bien no, esta película saca su titulo del barco que toca hundir con motivo del 100º aniversario del barquito original, pero no es para nada una secuela oficial. Pero no pasa nada, porque quien la compre por error pronto se dará cuenta de que lo que tiene entre manos es una de esas mierdas deliciosamente maravillosas.

El Titanic II contra un megatsunami

Como se puede deducir, narra la historia de un barquito chiquitito que no sabía navegar. Un joven guaperas muchimillonario decide aprovechar el centenario del hundimiento del Titanic para lanzar a los mares el Titanic II, un bicharraco enorme, ultra lujoso, con la última tecnología… la pera en patinete, vamos. Pero resulta que el cambio climático, que es un cabroncete de mucho cuidado, decide derretir un pedazo-de-hielo-mazo-grande en el Polo Norte que causa un tsunami acompañado de icebergs (algo así como un granizado, pero grande de cojones).

Todo esta movida engancha al barquito en pleno viaje inaugural y pilla la del pulpo Paul. Y como esto es Titanic II y no Titanic I, a medio hundimiento se desprende un segundo cacho de hielo, todavía más grande que el primero, causando un megatsunami (y esto no lo digo en plan mofa, es el lenguaje científico usado en la peli) que acaba por liarla todavía más parda. Por suerte, el Titanic II debe ser el único barco en todo el océano Atlántico en ese momento, porque los equipos de rescate sólo se preocupan de él. En medio de todo esto, el muchimillonario guaperas se encuentra con una enfermera buenorra del barco que es su exnovia y cuyo padre coordina las operaciones de rescate. Al final el guaperas muere en el agua por darle a la tía buena el único traje de neopreno… uy… esto me suena de algo… bah, paranoias mías.

Titanic II

Si Cameron tenía un presupuesto de 200 millones de dólares, a Van Dyke le basta con uno de 200 rupias nepalíes para sacarse de la manga una obra maestra absoluta. Para muchos, que no tienen ni puta idea de cine, los efectos especiales de Titanic II son una puta mierda. Indocumentados ellos: Van Dyke hace una referencia a aquellos videojuegos de finales de mediados de los 90 con unas imágenes generadas por ordenador totalmente ‘vintage’, y sin embargo totalmente realistas y que no restan dramatismo a ninguna muerte.

Aprende, James Cameron

Por su parte, trata de marcar distancias con la película original con una puesta en escena extremadamente austera y resiste totalmente la tentación de imitar secuencias míticas de la película original. ¿Quién dijo que el cine es caro? Rodamos la zona cara del barco en el salón de casa cuando mamá lo ha tuneado para la cena de Navidad, y las salas de máquinas en el parking de la esquina. “Problema solucionado” dijo Van Dyke, “y me meo en los de diseño de producción”.

Los personajes están perfectamente definidos: él es un guaperas millonario (interpretado estelarmente por el propio Van Dyke) como queda patente en su presentación, acompañado de cinco pivones colgadas del brazo. Para la historia de la fotografía cinematográfica los primeros planos de las tetas de las susodichas féminas. Él se quita las gafas y las llama “nenas”, dando muestras de que domina a la perfección el método Stanislavski. Ella es un personaje lleno de matices: esta buena y… y… y… ¡está llena de matices!

La extraordinaria profundidad de los personajes permite al director ahorrarnos la hora y media de amorío pasteloso con la que nos torturó James Cameron e ir directos al tomate: no han pasado 15 minutos de película y el barquito ya está yéndose al fondo del mar (¡Ay, Cameron! ¡Cuánto te hubiera gustado ir directo al hundimiento!).

Por si fuera poco, Van Dyke arriesga y reinventa el recurso de torcer la cámara para que parezca que todo está inclinada y introduce la técnica de la caída aleatoria de seres humanos para aumentar el dramatismo de la situación. Diálogos extremadamente inteligentes y que dejan frases que serán recordadas dentro de trescientos años junto a las citas de Shakespeare, por ejemplo una escena en el que el guaperas y la tía buena tratan de rescatar a un tipo que está atrapado en una habitación que arde. Cuando ven que es imposible abrir la puerta el guaperas le dice: “¡Es imposible abrirla! ¿No ve alguna otra salida?” (Sí, tengo una puerta abierta delante, pero es que me gusta asfixiarme en habitaciones en llamas. Un fetiche sexual mío… ¡gilipollas!).

Por si fuera poco, Van Dyke tiene la valentía de rodar una película totalmente realista. No hay más que ver la escena en el que el megatsunami se lleva por delante un avión, que explota, y en cambio el padre de la tía buena consigue esquivarlo con un helicóptero ¿a quién no le ha pasado?

Tras las originales Paranormal entity y Transmorphers, que muchos idiotas snobs dicen que son copias baratas de Paranormal activity y Transformers, Shane Van Dyke pone el cine patas arriba con Titanic II. No hay aspecto de la cinematografía que no vaya a cambiar radicalmente tras este film. Van Dyke no es el nuevo Orson Welles, es el nuevo D.W. Griffith. Por ponerle alguna pega al film, no se ve ningún pezón.

¿Quieres más cine de mierda?

Star Wars Holiday Special: el día que vimos a un wookie masturbarse

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